London Fashion Week FW12 - Zoe Jordan

I will never understand why anybody still bothers with conservative clothes like these, especially in London. (This was the best of the bunch.) AND how they manage to get a collection of this blandness off the ground then staged during fashion week!

Oh, wait, isn't that Eddie JORDAN (former Formula 1 supremo, now BBC pundit) in the front row? Quelle coincidence!

LFW A/W '11 Vivienne Westwood Catwalk

By far my favourite show this year. This is the crazy/wacky/eccentric aesthetic that I would love to capture on the street but almost impossible to find. Argyle socks with stripy capes, multi-coloured feathered coats matched with hunting hats, striped hosiery with flower-patterned dresses - just what your mother always told you to avoid, but how awesomely can it work if put together by a visionary set of eyes like Westwood's. F*@&in' LOVED IT!!!!

(Apologies for the questionable quality of the pics. I am not a catwalk - or indeed any sort of - photographer. I am a documentarian...[sic])

LFW A/W '11 Inside the Royal Courts at Westwood

Spotting a nondescript black curtain, I darted for it as my saviour from the Westwood lackeys...only to find myself, upon drawing it...ON THE BLOOMING CATWALK!!! The airport hangar-sized Royal Courts rammed with hundreds of facionistas turned as one expecting Natalia V strutting out instead found scruffy, champagne-lubricated me merrily teetering about avoiding the glare of misguided snappers' flashlights like a D-list celeb caught in a Muswell Hill kebab shop...Grabbed by the scruff by a well-meaning fellow blogger - just in time to make room for the first model not to trample me under her amazonian proportions - I planted myself firmly on the choicest spot which Daily Express editors would give their knock-off Louboutins for...

LFW A/W 11 - Erdem Catwalk

Now I'm a big fan of Erdem (and as a member of his extended posse, I am mincing my words here, as he is a most fascinating and charming fellow - the dangers of the media hobnobbing with the talent, eh?!) but I was left somewhat underwhelmed by his Autumn/Winter '11 collection. The fabrics all perfectly luxurious in silk and velvet and the tailoring - as far as I could judge - seamless, but it felt a bit too safe to my liking, in particular the cuts. The colours (apart from a few rich-hued dresses - above), also, would appeal to the well-heeled conservative housewife in muted autumnal blues, greens and burgundy. My granny's favourite colour combinations...But then again, it is all a matter of taste and as a devoted follower of Vivienne Westwood (see later), it is understandable that this collection would be too staid for team Say No To Facion.

His choice of models also got some rubbing in the media and I'm pained to admit to agree with those criticisms. Read my rant on the current crop of London catwalk models in the very near future!